Unicorns Need Not Apply

In the wee morning hours when I come home from shift I get a little bit of “down” time.  This is when I (A) sleep, (B) write, (C) paint, (D) look for freelance writing jobs to help build our financial one-ply into six figures.  I left a well-paying job to become a law enforcement officer naively believing I'd save the world from one bad guy at a time.  I quickly realized that so-called bad guys multiply faster than good guys do so it takes a few days at a time to save the world from them, and we don’t get a commission. 

Could you imagine how quickly the streets of your hometown would get cleaned up if cops worked on commission?!  It’s laughable because it’s logical.  If law enforcement worked at a base salary like a salesman and earned commissions for each arrest they made, and doubled that commission for each conviction from the case they arrested the buy guy on, there’d be an even bigger pile up in the system than the lawyers and judges could handle. 

For corrections officers, if they successfully ‘rehabilitate’ an offender, each year they stay clean/sober/out of jail is a royalty check.  Then once you reach a certain rank your top year of commissions is now your base pay.  Law Enforcement would become a glamorous, high-paying, celebrity job. 

But it’s not glamorous.  It’s not high-paying.  There’s barely even a celebrity who supports law enforcement.  It’s become a villainized profession, more so than dentists.  But there's a few, a select few, who continue to put on the kevlar and badges to protect the sheep from the wolves.  It's not about pay, or recognition, and certainly not about the number of bad guys we put away (though that makes it fun).  It's about family, and the friends you make, the people you actually help though fewer than I'd like, and about the sense of pride in being a good guy fighting evil.  Yes, we all have a hero complex, and thankfully so since the world needs more heroes.  

Unfortunately hero work doesn't pay all of the bills.  In my quest to earn extra money I'm a member of various freelance writing sites that employers will skim for applicants.  I received this job posting from an interested employer: (cropped for your reading convenience)

The qualifications require you to be a unicorn.  Not a literal unicorn, obviously,…I don’t think…but figuratively, a unicorn in the job field.  In this particular case, a business savvy marketing genius who has the writing skills and work stamina equal to a majestic horned equine that can pull in large sums of money for a start-up company.  

The additional qualifications for social services background (check), social media knowledge (check), bachelor’s degree (check), workforce development experience (check), demonstrate creativity (CHECK! Hellooooo), blogging (seriously, check), etc.  I’m 90% of these qualifications.  The one thing I am not is a unicorn. 

In my day job (night shift to be exact), unicorns don’t exist.  We’re crass, unfiltered, detached beings whose faith in humanity is held on by a sliver of rusted rebar that could snap at any minute.  There’d be a “No Unicorns Allowed” sign on our clubhouse.   I’m pretty sure the entirety of my squad would agree with commissioned based salary since they thrive on pushing our supervisors’ buttons and making arrests in the last thirty minutes of shift. 

As much as I enjoy writing, and appreciate the side-gig opportunity, I’ll have to pass on this one.  Not just because of the unicorn requirement, but it's a full-time gig with more hours than I can spare from my sleep or my day job.  The search continues and if the qualifications state “Unicorns Need Not Apply” then I know I’ve found it.